Today I want to forget myself

It's very rare I have such a bad day as this one. It began, I should say, with very scary dreams. Every time I tried to get back to sleep I kept falling into the same terrifying scenario, that I wasn't actually in my body. But it was an awful feeling and every time I tried to think about moving, I seem to get flung accross the room and hit the wall. Except hitting the wall didn't hurt cos I didn't have a body, only a mind. It was still scary even tho it didn't hurt because I was flying so fast towards things and it was just a particular feeling that this thing gave me that was so bad. So i had to wake up and smoke a cigarette so i could go to sleep and stay in body and have a better dream and thus woke up this morning in a very peculiar mood that still lingers now.

Got to work and was supposed to have a special meeting about my pay and me staying off cos they keep robbing me but in the end it didn't really get sorted out and its all just a big, fucking scary mess now and I can't even think about it.

And the romantic aspect is not all that rosy either but I just can't put it into words because I don't want to sink any lower.

Very very determined to avoid the litre of Ouzo in the kitchen becasue i've been there before and went marginally psycho at a public concert, but now that I mention it I think my resistance has failed and now i'm going down to get some..... it's Today by Jefferson Airplane that set me off. God that song just about breaks my heart and heals it in the very same instant, need to change the mood of the music i think.

On the brighter side, poor Caroline has it much worse. Same probs with work, but the men troubles are far deeper. She went to see this guy in Germany that she met over christmas and he turned out to be a total tight arse. Even took the money off her for the ticket to get there and didn't so much as buy her a drink. She really liked him but he treat her so badly I believe thats the end of that. So the two of us today have been in a right stinker. The funny part was when we went in Abbey National so she could get a cheque book for her bank account and the advisor was being a cow. Caroline just let rip, saying she wanted to speak to the manager and that the advisor shouldn't be let loose on the public. It was funny in a depressing kind of way, but at least the abbey nat witch got the brunt of it instead of me for a change.

So now ive got the ouzo with pineapple and orange juice and it's only a matter of time before i cant not pick up the phone.........aggghhhhhhhhh