okay think i may be losing my mind. i thought that the colours had changed on the page to a kind of green colour but when i wrote whatthefuck, i ofund it was back to normal... am i really having such a hard time?

whatthafuck!

why has the style of this site changed? hmmm?

In 1918, the architect Gerrit Thomas Rietveld designed a chair that affected not only furniture design, but the history of architecture
 

The Devil makes work for idle hands

So today I woke up way too early and was intent on a mission to town. Instead I am about half way through cleaning our entire house in order to keep my mind and hands busy in the hope I do not think too deeply about anything at all (and of course the house is minging and could do with a good scrubbing)

So last night the ouzo was a saviour I have to say. For a while all I could do was lie in bed and stare into the corner of the ceiling feeling very very sorry for myself. Then ash came in and asked if i wanted to watch friends with her and jodie, which wasn't top of my list of things to do, to be quite honest. Was in the mood to go to a wild party and forget who I am, but they a very few and far between in this wonderful city on a Tuesday night, so I went in for the compnay and believe it or not, I began to cheer up and then went to bed and sank into a deep peaceful sleep. I made peace with myself about what's going on and decided to accept my lot and act upon it, which is my usual behaviour.

Caz, on the other hand, is still very very low, and today she doesn't even have a manically depressed me to cheer her up. She's also tempting me with naughty things and bad nights out, which is just way out of my price range at the mo, all current occurences considered. Butya never know what tomorrow is gonna look like..........................

Going to do the bathroom now

Today I want to forget myself

It's very rare I have such a bad day as this one. It began, I should say, with very scary dreams. Every time I tried to get back to sleep I kept falling into the same terrifying scenario, that I wasn't actually in my body. But it was an awful feeling and every time I tried to think about moving, I seem to get flung accross the room and hit the wall. Except hitting the wall didn't hurt cos I didn't have a body, only a mind. It was still scary even tho it didn't hurt because I was flying so fast towards things and it was just a particular feeling that this thing gave me that was so bad. So i had to wake up and smoke a cigarette so i could go to sleep and stay in body and have a better dream and thus woke up this morning in a very peculiar mood that still lingers now.

Got to work and was supposed to have a special meeting about my pay and me staying off cos they keep robbing me but in the end it didn't really get sorted out and its all just a big, fucking scary mess now and I can't even think about it.

And the romantic aspect is not all that rosy either but I just can't put it into words because I don't want to sink any lower.

Very very determined to avoid the litre of Ouzo in the kitchen becasue i've been there before and went marginally psycho at a public concert, but now that I mention it I think my resistance has failed and now i'm going down to get some..... it's Today by Jefferson Airplane that set me off. God that song just about breaks my heart and heals it in the very same instant, need to change the mood of the music i think.

On the brighter side, poor Caroline has it much worse. Same probs with work, but the men troubles are far deeper. She went to see this guy in Germany that she met over christmas and he turned out to be a total tight arse. Even took the money off her for the ticket to get there and didn't so much as buy her a drink. She really liked him but he treat her so badly I believe thats the end of that. So the two of us today have been in a right stinker. The funny part was when we went in Abbey National so she could get a cheque book for her bank account and the advisor was being a cow. Caroline just let rip, saying she wanted to speak to the manager and that the advisor shouldn't be let loose on the public. It was funny in a depressing kind of way, but at least the abbey nat witch got the brunt of it instead of me for a change.

So now ive got the ouzo with pineapple and orange juice and it's only a matter of time before i cant not pick up the phone.........aggghhhhhhhhh

without having the capacity to distinguish between aesthetics and comedy, such is life 

hmmmmm...I wonder

Just found a great quiz - Who were you in a past life?

The quiz consisted of one question:

What is your current profession?

My answer: nothing


My Result:


In a Past Life...
You Were: A Kind Philosopher.
Where You Lived: Ukraine.
How You Died: Dysentery.


How interesting :-)

http://www.blogthings.com/pastlifegenerator/

So it's passed midnight and i'm still trying to keep my head above the water of sadness. It's got to the point where im reading poetry again and identifying my own manic self in every metaphor. Have to say it's been many years since i've felt this way because I thought I'd become some kind of emotional ice queen or something. But no, the rollercoaster hormones are still buried in there somewhere and they've been saying hello too often this past week. (yes, that's right, it's only been 1 measley week but still).

Only William Blake can say it so in English:

THE SICK ROSE O rose, thou art sick! The invisible worm, That flies in the night, In the howling storm, Has found out thy bed Of crimson joy, And his dark secret love Does thy life destroy.

and i got a bit upset earlier too cos michael told me he found kevin in the town the other day and that kev knows im back here. It just bought up loads of shit that I was trying not to think about atthe moment (like i need it with everything else that's going on) and it means i suppose ill have to speed up the 'getting in touch with them lot' process. I was hoping for a bit more time but then i've been saying that for a few years now so i guess its bite the bullet time. Well, i have to go back to work tomorrow (which aint gonna be fun the thieving, lying bastards) so ill just go and finish the book i borrowed from chris, which just makes me even more sad.................

AngloMania 

tell me why I love Monday

No work for me today so it's a perfect opportunity to destroy something new (since I hate new things). I ended up getting locked out of my original pages since i forgot both the username and password. It was pretty defunct anyway being a kind of 'thought exchange' on the Book of Changes. It seems toward the end tho that it developed into a message board advertising xxx sites, so time to regenerate. Thanks to my friend ana i have found a more civilised society to start again. BTW ana if you see this, the collage was really beautiful. perhaps 'suadade' is nostalgia? i dont know........

today unfortunatly is a non starter (again). perhaps I still have moments of sadness from yesterday (im not gonna go into that stuff) but i feel decidedly unenergetic and sleepy. Perhaps its cos stavros woke me up again with the phone too early. Good news there tho....he has an interview for newcastle college for Music Technology so maybe he won't have to go in the army afterall. He has just made a new band aswell, mentioned here first as their first biggest fan incase they get really famous. Apparantly it's a kind of psychedelic punk/dnb style outfit, which sounds like my kind of music. Not so keen on 'The Lizards' as the name tho... it sounds like a dodgy 60's psychedelic mush band. we shall see